April 1st, 2024: The bicycle touring world was rocked today when Neil Gunton, creator and owner of CrazyGuyOnabike, announced that he was purchasing competing website CycleBlaze.

According to Gunton, he is paying "in the low seven figures" for CycleBlaze. "I have already lined up financing for the acquisition - I have been approved for about 25 new credit cards with great introductory low rates. I expect to be able to pay all of them off soon, when my long-gestating social media website, TopicWise, finally goes live, Real Soon Now"

Gunton, formerly a bicyclist and currently a well-known shut-in, conspiracy theorist, and fire extinguisher enthusiast, says his first order of business at CycleBlaze will be to "ban approximately 80% of the current membership. Basically, if you ever criticized me, even mildly, you're gone. You're definitely gone if you ever clicked the "Disagree" rating on anything I ever wrote on CGoaB. I might also ban people who didn't click the "Agree" rating on my posts in a timely manner as well."

He continued, "I CREATED THIS THING FOR YOU PEOPLE, AND THIS IS THE THANKS I"

[23 Paragraphs removed in the interest of conciseness]