December 4, 2023
An Entry With Five Segments
More Facts, Less Bragging
Segment #1: The Plan
The title of this segment is intentionally misleading. I don't actually have a plan for the tour itself yet--no route, no goals, no definite start date--but I do have a plan for how I'm going to present this journal. Part of that plan is to upgrade the absurdity. Another part is to play up the danger aspect.
A few years ago, I undertook a bike tour based solely on a highly questionable article I read. It ranked the most dangerous cities in the U.S. in which to ride a bicycle. I knew the article was pure bullshit when I saw several of the cities on the list were in my boyhood state of Iowa. I defiantly set out on a bike tour that included some of those cities and, by the time I completed the tour, I had thoroughly disproved that stupid article.
In the same way, I take Minnesota's presence on those lists of "worst U.S. winters" to be a personal challenge. If my Pulitzer Prize worthy investigative reporting is successful, I should be able to prove that bike touring in January is as much fun in Minnesota as it is in the warm, snowless and soulless southern states.
Another part of my plan for this journal is to report on a few of my training rides. To be more accurate, I should call them "acclimatization" rides. The BAD news (for you) is that I have all of December to write a multitude of reports and it's almost a certainty that there will be more pre-tour posts than on-tour posts. The GOOD news is that I think I can incorporate a few cold weather cycling tips into the posts . . . you know, just in case a few readers want to follow in my snowy tire tracks. Another bit of BAD news is there is likely to be a lot of showing off in those posts. I just hope there is enough good news to overcome the bad news so you'll keep reading.
Segment #2: The Reality
While riding my bike today, I was thinking about all the hysterics I presented on the previous page of this journal. Specifically, I should clarify a couple things about the statistics I posted regarding MY State's January weather.
First of all, I have no intention of riding during the night-time lows you saw on the temperature chart. Second of all, being that the dates of my tour are quite flexible, I can look at the long range weather forecast and cherry pick the best three or four days in which to ride. Of course, that's assuming any of the TV/radio/internet forecasters have any idea what they're talking about.
I'm not necessarily HOPING for sub-freezing or sub-zero temperatures, but if it happens, I think fun can be found as long as I have sufficient clothing.
Backpackers, canoeists, snow shovelers, and other outdoor enthusiasts have a cute little saying that goes something like this: "There is no such thing as bad weather. There is only the suffering that results from inadequate layering of fabrics, fibers, and/or waterproof plastics over the entire body from head to torso to fingers to toes."
That quote provides a nice segue to the next segment. (A segment segue. I like the sound of that.)
Segment #3: The Layers
I won't need padded cycling shorts for this tour. I won't need shorts at all. I need LAYERS, and those layers will provide all the padding I'll need for my rear end. Hopefully, they will also provide all the padding I'll need for the almost inevitable fall on the ice.
Everything I will be carrying on my body and in my panniers will be related to keeping warm and dry. If I have any space left, I'll wrap my laptop in a warm blanket and pack that too. After all, bragging in real time is more satisfying than bragging after the tour is all over.
If there is any space left after that, I'll probably pack a toothbrush. In my opinion, going to sleep with clean teeth is more satisfying than dreaming all night about a drill boring into a decaying tooth.
I'll worry about the packing later. For now, I've got other ideas on my mind. While on today's acclimatization ride, I stopped to take a timed selfie of me and my layers of clothing. I'm confident the following photo will help to jumpstart my professional modeling career.
I'll let the fashion show emcee take over from here.
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The emcee did a pretty good job of describing my outfit, but I should add that none of it is high-tech, lightweight, cycling-specific gear. It's just the same old stuff I've worn while shoveling my driveway for the last 20 years.
When it gets down to the 10 to negative-30 degree (f) range, however, I have to break out the heavy artillery. I am forced to don mittens, snow pants, face coverings, extra layers, and some other winter wear that makes some people think I'm a poor person who rides his bike because he can't afford a car . . . or he lost his driver's license due to drunk driving . . . or he's a little off his rocker . . . or he's a gigantic show off. Only the last one of those things is even close to true.
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I don't think I've ever ridden in anything below negative 30-degrees. With the wind, and there is ALWAYS wind, that temperature can be very nasty. No more than ten minutes of riding nasty. Frostbite nasty. Amputated fingers nasty. If I have to face anything like that on my tough guy January tour, I will quit. For those who were hoping I get that kind of killer weather, I'm sorry.
Segment #4: The Bike
One of the nice things about posting journals about wintertime touring in Minnesota is that I don't have much competition. I might even have a monopoly.
As a monopolist, I should probably charge more for my journalistic efforts than I do. I'm not greedy though. I'm willing to accept the standard Cycleblaze rate. (I should probably ask my accountant what that rate is.) Even if I only get a few thousand dollars per journal, I'm okay with that. I sure don't deserve the same gigantic salary that authors with hundreds of followers get.
It really doesn't matter what the base pay is anyway. I made a little extra cash with the modeling I did in the previous segment, which was nice. But, as everybody knows, the REAL money is in celebrity endorsements.
With that in mind, I think it's in my best financial interest to sell out supplement my income by exploiting my fame for commercial advertising.
That reminds me. It's time to hear from one of the kind sponsors of my journal.
[NOTE TO SURLY BIKES: Would it kill you to provide a script and a decent camera man? I looked like an idiot out there!]
Segment #5: The Companion
I haven't ridden a true solo bike tour for several years. Since 2017 I've been accompanied by my cartoon alter-ego, G-2. At first, he was kind of fun to ride with, but over the years he has become increasingly obnoxious, abrasive, and unhelpful. I was hoping I'd be able to ditch him for my upcoming tour. Then I received an e-mail photo that drove all my hopes into the deepest pits of hell.
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P.S. My accountant just informed me that I get ZERO pay for my Cycleblaze journals. That's okay. The compensation I get from writing is something far beyond monetary rewards.
| Rate this entry's writing | Heart | 17 |
| Comment on this entry | Comment | 9 |
5 months ago
5 months ago
As a former Twin Cities resident and equally former member of the Twin Cities Bike Club I feel no need to present my impeccable credentials in the field of winter biking. Anyone who has ever ridden the annual New Year’s Day ride with TCBC will attest that -30°F is not a barrier to a total winter ride experience. I do have some observations about the practice, so allow me to lay it on you as my advice for a successful winter bicycle ride. It should be noted that my advice is worth at least twice what you get paid for writing this blog.
You have the right idea with layers, but don’t forget ventilation. The enemy is sweat, which will freeze you solid if it gets just the slightest chance. Cycling produces sweat, so give it a place to go. Use socks that wick the sweat off your feet and loose jackets that allow air circulation so your armpits don’t end up stuck to your underwear and icicles don’t form inside your neckband.
If you don’t already have them, flat pedals especially non-metallic ones are a Very Good Idea. The broader the contact between shoe and pedal, the less likely the dreaded frozen spot on the sole of your foot. As a Minnesotan you should be equipped with adequate footwear. Sorels with felt liners worked well for me.
Facial hair is a good idea, too. Yes, it gets full of frost and mustaches collect icicles which the untrained will mistake for snot but are really just condensation freezing out. One plus is that facial recognition cameras will not be able to track you. On the other hand small children may scream and cry when you encounter them. Pay them no mind, they’ll get used to it. Just the same I wouldn’t try using the accumulated nose ice for emergency hydration. Also, imagine the impact of going into a truck stop looking like the reincarnation of John Beargrease. Long-haulers will make way out of respect. Or fear for what the lunatic might do, but you can take it anyway you want.
Anyway, I shall be right here awaiting developments as they say, reminiscing about days out on the prairie when WD40 was used as deicer for the derailleur and insulated thermoses replaced water bottles. That I shall do so in front of the wood stove with a hot cuppa should in no way detract from the wisdom I herby impart.
Cheers,
Keith
5 months ago
Happens to me all the time, regardless of the weather. Add in attractive women, members of the clergy, bankers, and general ordinary everyday folk and you have some idea of my world.
5 months ago
5 months ago
5 months ago
5 months ago
Also, thanks for reminding me about the Sorel boots. (I think you had another name for them the last time we discussed the cold-weather topic, but I can't remember what that name was.) I do, in fact, have a pair, but wasn't wearing them on the picture I posted of me in full regalia. Therefore, I replaced that picture with an older, but better, picture of me wearing those amazing boots. You can see it now if you want.
5 months ago