The Third Annual Local Wine Review

June 11, 2016

Sioux Narrows Provincial Park, Ontario

The picture postcard scenery of the northern Ontario woods was fantastic. Of course there were billions of trees, but the dominant feature was the Lake of the Woods.

Lake of the Woods is one big ass lake, but it is nothing like Lake Superior--the lake I said I would not name, yet I just did. No, Lake of the Woods has so many arms and wings and bays and islands and peninsulas that there is never a place where you can look out and see only the horizon. It is very pretty in its own way but, in my opinion, it is no Lake Superi . . ..

One of the many bays of Lake of the Woods along my route.

I climbed these rocks to take the previous photo.

"I think I'll spend another night in an Ontario Provincial Park."

I rode to the park office and registered for a campsite. The woman at the desk introduced herself as the park manager. She was a little too bubbly and outgoing for my taste, but she was certainly accommodating. She got all the information she needed off my driver's license, and then it came time to collect my payment.

"I'm sorry to say," she said before giving me the total, "that camping in Ontario Parks is very expensive." She had the tone of a woman who has endured a lot of complaints about that.

"Yeah, I know. I stayed at Caliper Lake last night. But, hey, whaddya do?" I even said it just like that, whaddya do.

"That's exactly what the guy who bicycled in here from Ohio said last night. He was on his way to Alaska."

I felt a little embarrassed about my significantly shorter trip and I thought to myself, "Alaska! I'd love to ride to Alaska some day."

My little daydream came to an abrupt end when, at the conclusion of our business transaction, she announced in her most apologetic voice, "We're having our invasion of tent caterpillars right now."

"Huh?"

"Yes, every seven years they come back and eat the leaves off the trees . . ."

"Huh?"

" . . . and there's nothing we can do about them."

"How does that effect me?" I asked. "Do they bite?"

"Oh no," she assured me, "they might drop out of a tree and land on you, but they won't hurt you. I'm going to put you in a site with mostly pine trees. It shouldn't be as bad there since they mostly just eat leaves."

"OK, no big deal," I said. Having been bitten so many times by mosquitoes and horseflies on this trip, I wasn't too worried about a couple caterpillars falling out of a tree.

I set up camp and within a minute this is what I experienced.

Had I not been vigilant in swatting them off of me, I am convinced the caterpillars would have, in time, swarmed me from head to toe.

One of the highlights of my recent bike tours is buying a locally-made wine along the way, drinking it, and writing a review in the pretentious style of professional wine critics. I am not a wine guy--I'm a craft beer guy--but I love reading wine reviews for the flowery language and the interesting flavors the reviewers imagine they taste in the wine. Sometimes I find restaurant reviews to be similarly entertaining, but I must say, foodies can't compare to oenophiles when it comes to fodder for parody.

*****************

The Third Annual Wine Review

The wine I will be reviewing today is the Monarch Vidal from Ontario's Pelee Winery. This wine is wonderfully complex and richly-layered. It's smooth and sexy and it's got vim and vigor, vibrancy and verve. It's zingy and zesty. Yet, it's a FUN wine. In fact, after a full bottle, it becomes a hilarious wine. How can one experience the explosion of sugar that assaults the palate upon the first sip with a straight face? I know I couldn't. I even had to give the label a second look to be sure the wine was actually made from grapes and not pure sugar cane.

Satisfied that it was truly a grape-based wine, I swirled it around in my REI cup because, well, that's what one does when one is a wine connoisseur. I must compliment the folks at the Pelee Winery because the golden liquid swirled like a dream. It swirled every bit as nicely as such swirly delights as water or Gatorade.

Oh, and I cannot overlook the poetry that is the bouquet of this fine varietal. I could sit and breathe in the charming scent for hours upon hours--that is--if I wasn't so thirsty. Floral and fruity and sweaty and sulfury all at the same time, a more diversified treat to the nose is almost unimaginable.

Which brings us to the flavor. This Ontario white wine fairly attacked my sophisticated taste buds with the luscious combination of carbonated apple juice, grape Kool-Aid, gummy bears, and fresh onions. Plus, there was plenty of acidic backbone to provide balance. I'm not sure what kind of acid, but considering my laughter, it must have been "orange sunshine." The finish was that of cotton candy--with emphasis on the "cotton." Such was the aftertaste, that I would conclude that the finish never seemed to finish.

I would recommend pairing this lovely and harmonious wine with foods that possess powerful flavors, such as limburger cheese, cloves of garlic, or breath mints. FIVE STARS!

Now I would like to turn it over to this evening's guest wine reviewer:

*****************

Today's ride: 42 miles (68 km)
Total: 541 miles (871 km)

Rate this entry's writing	Heart	2
Comment on this entry	Comment	0