The Elephant In The Parentheses

The title of this journal, written in the past tense, might lead the reader to believe the tour has already been completed. It has not. "If that's true," you might be thinking, "Greg is awfully confident in himself. In fact, it's pretty cocky to claim he has accomplished something like that before he ever actually did it." I thought the same thing myself. First of all, there is the possibility that I might not even get to Canada. I could break a leg. I could break my bike. I could break my soul. Or, given my unfortunate encounters with customs officials on my MN to MA tour, I might not even be allowed into the country. Yet, I'm keeping the title simply because the alternative--The Man Who Will TRY To Bike To Canada (With No Complaints)--just doesn't have the same pizzazz. It also projects a lack of confidence.

Now it is time to address the elephant in parentheses. ("With No Complaints") is quite a boastful statement. Can I actually back it up?

A long time ago I took a guided whitewater rafting trip on Montana's Flathead River. Posted in the office of Glacier Wilderness Guides was a list of rules. Rule #1 was "NO WHINING!" Not a bad rule and, in general, I have tried to make it MY rule for all of my adventures. Despite my good intentions, I usually end up whining and complaining at least a couple of times anyway. I'm embarrassed to admit that complaining seems like a good way to get others to sympathize with my misfortunes. I know bicycle touring has many common hardships worth complaining about--horrible headwinds seems to be ranked number one, followed closely by difficult headwinds, and then regular headwinds. Then, in no particular order, come long, steep climbs, crappy food, monotonous scenery, bad roads, inconsiderate drivers, big trucks, no services, rain, diarrhea, hangovers . . . I could go on and on. I've complained about almost all of those things in previous journals. Well, NOT THIS ONE!

That's my gimmick for this journal because it's not likely to be distinctive in any other way. Canada is a next door neighbor to my home state so getting to that country is no monumental achievement. And many people have ridden their bikes in the same states and provinces, and have written more descriptive journals than I ever could. BUT, have they ever done so without complaining about the black flies, the mosquitoes, the crazy weather, the potholes, the stoic and untalkative citizens of the north country, or the "boring" prairie landscape? I don't think so.

My plan is to either ignore the hardships without mention, or to portray them in the most positive way possible. That's right, this will be the most complaint-free bicycle touring journal ever written. That will be my legacy.

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So how on earth do I expect to execute this plan to "endure the hardships without mention, or to portray them in the most positive way possible?" My only answer is that it's all about ATTITUDE. With the right attitude almost any trial or tribulation can be simply tuned-out and turned-off. Almost. Yes, there are bound to be some challenges that are just too overwhelming to ignore. In those cases, I will utilize my superior attitude-adjustment skills. Allow me to use my recently-discovered artistic talent to showcase a few Bic-and-Sharpie sketches which demonstrate the art of portraying adversity in the most positive way.

"I was hoping for a good workout. Hope fulfilled!"

"Great! Instead of wasting my time sleeping, I can ride all night long!"

"Awesome! My first shower in five days!"

"He must be trying to tell me there's a road hazard ahead. Thank you for the friendly warning, sir."

That's how I will do it. Still, I resisted calling this journal The LEGEND Who Rode His Bike To Canada (With No Complaints) because I'm not a bragger. I'm just a regular guy and, as such, I am subject to failure. Therefore, if you continue to read along with my journey and you see something that could possibly be construed as a complaint, please tell me about it.

You heard me! If I produce one little whimper about food poisoning, hurricane-like headwinds, getting mauled by a bear, or the one thing I seem to attract most often--vindictive drivers--please call me out. I need your help to make this work.

One last thing-- What if I don't make it to Canada? What if I slip up and write a single outburst of negativity? Here's what: I STILL won't change the title of my blog afterward. Nobody would read a journal titled The Loser Who Tried To Ride His Bike To Canada But Failed Miserably (And Complained Constantly.) Well, that's not completely true. I would. But my point is that the original title is here to stay no matter what happens. I believe it was Confucius who said, "Better a misleading title with one reader than a truthful title with none." (He never really said that. I did.)

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