Artificial intelligence may be a game changer, but I’m still only human.

Planning a masterclass escape from an authoritarian regime is one thing. But the emotional toll of it, the grief, the doubt, the fatigue, is something no algorithm can calculate.  I spent nearly 20 years of my life in China.  For the first decade, it was everything I hoped it would be:  full of growth, promise, purpose.  I was building a life that made sense.

But under Xi Jinping, it all changed.

His response to Trump’s tariffs was only the latest example of a predictable pattern of behavior for how he rules during a crisis:   dig in, double down, and destroy everything for the sake of image or maintaing face.  It was a textbook case of drinking poison and hoping your enemy dies.  It became clear by 2016 that the country I came to build a life in was heading in a direction I could no long follow.  The optimism was gone.  The opportunities dried up.  The value I once felt was stripped away by bureaucracy, censorship, and micromanagement. My mental health was spiraling.  

The only choice was to leave.

But leaving meant grieving. It meant leaving behind not just a job, but a marriage:  one that couldn’t survive outside China.  It meant confronting loss in its most raw and personal form.

So in the days leading up to the midnight run, I cracked.

I posted to my support group:

Me:   “The market crashed again last night.  Tariffs.  My skills were tested.  I shorted stocks that I had sold puts on to hedge and minimize the damage.  I stayed up all night doing it.”

Friend 1:  “You need to look out for yourself, Steve.  You can’t live like this. Something big is brewing in the markets.”

Me:  “The crash has already started.  I proved I can handle it,  but I can’t trade all night and deal with this toxic job during the day.  It’s unsustainable.”

Friend 1: “Exactly.  You’re smart.  You’re learning every time you trade, even in losses.  Remember when you lost $15k and made it back the next day?  But your health, man…”

Friend 2: “I’m in Rayong now. I broke the cable ties on the balcony due to lockdown PTSD.  I can’t wait to see you again and party.”

Me: “I wish.  I’m almost out of funds.  Soon to be unemployed.  And it’s a bear market.  I closed out those Nasdaq futures.  Margin spiraled out of control.”

Friend 2: “You’ve got this.  It’s time to put yourself first.”

Me: “I’m thinking of delaying the run.  It’s not cold feet.  Or maybe it is. All this trading stress and knowing I won’t have a steady paycheck?  It’s the nightmare scenario.  I always hedged the market against the stability of this toxic job.  Now both are imploding.”

Friend 2: “Your mental health is priceless.  That’s all I can say.”

Me: “But don’t you see?  People cling to job slavery because they can’t rely on trading to survive when markets crash.  I’m living that reality now.”

Friend 1: “You’re pushing too hard — trying to make your full salary in one trade.  That’s fear.  That’s greed.”

Me: “Yeah.  I know.”

Friend 2: “Then get out of the boat.”

Friend 1: “Esther’s right.  Money won’t fix this.  And Shanghai has become so expensive.  You don’t even have the energy to stay up for the market close at 4am.  The time zone sucks for US trading. You need to be in Dubai or the Gulf.”

Friend 2: “I’m crying now.”

Friend 1: “You need time — which you’ll never have if you stay.  Not in China.  Not under that job.  Money can be rebuilt.  But your life and sanity? That’s irreplaceable.”

Friend 2: “Go to Thailand.  You don’t need a full-time job anymore.  Trade in your own time.  Get part-time remote work if needed. I can help.”

Friend 1: “Exactly.  Free yourself.  Enjoy your life.  Scale back. You’re talented, you can $100 to $300 a day.  That’s real money and real freedom.  No need to chase $20k in a week.  That’s what’s breaking you.”

Their voices, their care, their wisdom — it got through.  Slowly, they pulled me out of the spiral of fear and scarcity.  I could see it clearly now, his wasn’t cold feet.  It was a necessary moment of reckoning.  I wasn’t a coward — I was human.

And the midnight run?

It was back on.