***INTERMISSION: My Seventh Bike Touring Review of a Local Wine

LUCY LANE RED TABLE WINE by the Jasper Winery (Des Moines, IA)

I must say, I was impressed by the wine container provided by the Jasper Winery long before the grape-y liquid ever touched my lips. The quality of the smoked-glass bottle was unmatched in the wine producing world. And what can I say about that exquisite label? I have no doubt the label was designed by the finest marketing geniuses in the entire Des Moines metro area. And the adhesive use to affix it to the bottle is pretty darn good too.

Even an expert wine reviewer like me should never underestimate the effect a label's descriptive language can have on the flavor of a wine. I took a healthy sip of the Lucy Lane but I was not aware of the "rich concord flavor" until I went back and read the label. Now, of course, I get it. I've been subliminally convinced into believing I tasted not just concord, but RICH concord. In addition, like any decent wine critic, I came up with some more imaginary flavors on my own. I sensed subtle hints of watermelon, jalapeno pepper, and chicken liver.

This wine is a true delight--much like an Oreo Cookie is a delight. Sweet and crunchy, an Oreo cuts through the crap. The Oreo's chocolaty outside, combined with its calorie-laden white filling, totally makes you forget your mom's homemade Tollhouse Chocolate Chip Cookies. In the same way, nobody will want to sip on a bone-dry French Nouveaux Boujolais when they have the option of guzzling this sweet, sweet gem of a wine from the Jasper Winery. It's the Oreo Cookie of the wine world. The taste is great. The nose is great. In fact, the scent reminds me of the wonderful aromas I get from an oil refinery. Smoky. Sulfury. Chemical-y. A complex bludgeon to the senses.

Get a bottle of this wine as soon as you can, and drink it with carrots, trail mix, and peanut M&Ms as I just did. You will not regret it.

"Hey, G-2, what did you think of the Lucy Lane Red Table Wine?"

"I think you've forgotten that we have to ride into Des Moines in a couple of days. It was already one of the most dangerous cycling cities in America without you provoking them with your sarcastic wine review. While they're running you over with their cars, I hope they remember that I'm giving the wine a 5-star rating.

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